1.4 I find myself staring at strangers

I just get so damn nervous to do anything that has to do with talking to people. For example, the other night I was at Something Fest in Montreal. The day pass tickets were sold out, so I ended up buying tickets to the LAST SHOW ONLY, they explicitly announced on the ticket link. 

“DO NOT SHOW UP TO THE OTHER VENUES

YOU WILL BE TURNED AWAY

WE ARE AT MAX CAPACITY” They reiterated on their story. 

It bummed me out because the only artist I truly gave a fuck about seeing was playing during the day. And, you need a day pass for the day. So, I sat at home listening to all of her music instead. 

We showed up at the Sala Rossa to a sea of strangers smoking outside.That’s how it’s been for the past 6 months. Chrissy and I getting ready for two hours only to show up to a place where we don’t know anyone. It freaks me out. I find myself staring. Observing the clusters of friends talking about the night before, or who’s dating who. If I catch a glimpse of someone’s eye, I will smile. I’m probably already looking at them, so even if they turn their heads for a reason that is completely unrelated to me, we will connect. I seek connection. I love entering someone’s world, and sharing bits of mine with them. You know, the part of it that really freaks me out, is that I am aware of my so called “mask”. I can feel it hovering just above my peach fuzz constantly. I am completely and totally aware of how I am behaving, responding, and what my intentions are in any given moment. It gets overwhelming sometimes. Mary Jane helps me with this. She directs my mind into a simple, single-file line of reason. It’s not like my celestial awareness disappears, it’s just laid to rest. 

As we stood outside wondering if maybe our friend was inside, I noticed her. The artist I wanted to meet.

“you should just go up to her” Chrissy prodded.

“Yeah yeah I will I will don’t worry” I responded.

I mean damn, you don’t just insert yourself into a circle of people who already know each other. It ’s one of those unwritten rules of our society.  How lovely would it be if going up to a group of strangers wasn’t weird. But, it is. 

In comes another guy we had met before. Again, my heart began to pound. I could feel myself begin to play it cool. I put another cigarette in my mouth to give my body some sort of purpose for just standing there. I didn’t really want another cigarette. I do this often. It began when I moved to Calgary from Edmonton.  It was half way through grade 10 then, and none of the girls wanted to talk to me. Everyone had already made their friends, and figured each other out. I was the new girl.  I didn’t particularly attract new friends either. I would sit and eat my lunch with a pack of smokes to not feel like a loner, even though I was… I mean they really are a shield. Cigarettes turn awkwardly standing alone, into standing alone with a purpose. 

Anyway, we chatted with him for a bit, but then he let us enjoy our night, as if we weren’t going to interact again. I found it funny. We went inside, and  It turned out we did have a few familiar faces inside, and it made me sooooo happy. I jumped up and down! The feeling of having someone smile at you as you walk up to them is truly unmatched.

The show began and after a few songs I needed a breather. I stood outside for a moment. Another cigarette. I wanted to go for a walk. I took Chrissy by the hand and began walking down the newly dry street. Upon embarking, we passed the artist again! I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew I would say "Hi!" at some point, but the anxiety was too much. In an instant I pictured all the things that could go terribly wrong. Like, she is in the middle of a really good convo with her longtime best friend that she hasn’t seen all summer. I interrupt. Or, I stumble over my words. Or, she thinks I’m a stalker or something. I’m not, I just really like her music, and want to meet people. 

Can you blame me? 

It wasn’t the time. I asked Jesus to give me the courage to act when the moment came. I ask Jesus for this often.

We ended up walking a lot farther than anticipated. 

I saw a woman look so good walking down the sidewalk in her jeans. It made me wonder if I looked that good in mine... 

We circled back, and I leaned against the brick wall of the venue. She was going back inside. It was time. I pretty much jumped out in front of her like the Scream. I fully startled her, but it broke the ice. Haha. The first band finished, and people started pouring out of the venue. She was honestly one of the nicest people I’ve met here so far. So easy to talk to. Maybe she could sense my nerves.

(Can I just say, writing about my experiences as they happen is very strange, but I knew it would have to happen. If you think I’m talking about you, I probably am…  It's the nature of the project. I'll get over it and so will you). 

Then, another person we knew! We jammed with him once, and had seen his band play in the early summer. With a smoke in hand and a smile so bright it made me squint, he greeted us. Little did he know, I needed that warm greeting. It was so strange because all of a sudden, we were a part of that sea of strangers. The same sea that seemed so dark, and mysterious, was suddenly a pool for me to wade in.

People were pleasantly surprised we knew him, and just like that we were in. I remember this feeling from meeting my initial group of friends after moving to Vancouver.

All it takes is one person. 

I will say, Marry had a huge part to play. People like the songs! I have something to offer. I am more than just a wading body. 

“Do you have any shows coming up???” People kept asking.

“No we don’t have any shows booked right now. Our drummer quit, but we think we found a new one, so hopefully this fall!” I repeated in many different ways throughout the night. 

It reinvigorated my passion for Marry. Sometimes you need random people to tell you that what you are doing is cool. So thank you to everyone that has listened to our music. At one point, I pondered taking it down. Life’s been a drag through the mud lately 

BUT WE ARE STILL HERE.

The band is Chrissy & me after all. It should just be this place where we can rock the fuck out and have fun. For a long time, it wasn’t fun. So much so that, like I said, I thought about taking it down and starting over. I think this solo project has alleviated a lot of the stress I put on the band. I am very grateful for that.

I ask for strength and courage often. I wish I could be the star I feel I am inside from the comfort of my own bed, but that’s just not the way it goes. You gotta put yourself out there. Fuckkk even just thinking about it scares me. I mean it really is crazy. I am such an introvert, yet I walk the path to the spotlight.  I guess it’s because after taking the jump, the endorphins flow. No risk, no reward. And I love the rewards. Whether they are a new friend, a good conversation, applause, whatever. I love it all. At least I put myself out there, and at the end of the day, fear did not win.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

Ilyf, 

Bianca Isabella