1.1 I Will Fail and Succeed Over and Over and Over...

I could tell you about where I was born, what coming from an immigrant family is like, and how being told "you're so beautiful" all your life has its burdens, but in truth, I don't really want to.

I would rather talk about how the fuck I'm going to start my first solo music project. 

AHHHHH 

this is so exciting. 

My own world. 

My own creation. 

I can just be.

Myself. 

I feel so grateful that I am in real time right now, holding my breath as I type this, as some sort of sacrifice for this gift. My first solo music project. Wow. 

I marvel at the idea. 

I've played in a band called Marry for a couple years now, and I love it. It has formed me into unimaginable shapes. I continue to immerse myself in Marry, however, I started to find that some of the songs I have been writing don't fit the style of the band. Songs that are so close to my heart. Songs that unlock  the keyhole passages of my soul. So here I am. 

And there is also a part of me that wants to know what it feels like! What it feels like to be Ichiko, Debby, or the queen Lana herself... In my own way. I want to discover how my body moves, where the sound will guide me, and who I evolve to be. 

There are things I have yet to embody and I've been through enough life experience to know that I should not let this flounder beyond my saving.

These songs want a voice, and I have one. 

But I will say…

Im Nervous to Release this Journal 

I just activated my custom domain name, revised this post 1000 times, and now it means that I am ready. The follow through is on me. I feel this white, flashing light of anxiety flow through my veins. I know my time for courage is coming. 

I am afraid of this not working. No.I’m actually afraid of failing myself because I have given up sooooo many projects before. I’m just trying to balance the natural evolution of life and its ever-changing state, with clear intention and focus. 

Am I a writer? Is this sustainable for me? What if I overshare? Am I using proper grammar?  What if someone takes something I say the wrong way? That one really gets me because the whole point of this journal is to spread love. At the end of the day, none of that matters.

I am just here to document my life as I create my first solo music project. 

Welcome.

Ilyf, 

Bianca Isabella